AN AGING WOMAN

I follow an inspirational blog that’s sent to my email every morning. For the most part, they cover topics such as; Dealing with Anger, Embracing Change, Awareness, and Compassion. Sounds uplifting and motivational, doesn’t it?

Yeah, well…I had an anger management issue that left me refusing change, while I was perfectly aware of my lack of compassion for the subject line…MENOPAUSE.

Now, before I start raving like a premenopausal lunatic, let me say—this one’s for the ladies. And fellas, you might need to continue reading so you know what you’re up against.

This unrealistic article claimed that menopause is a woman’s rite of passage, that it’s the sacred time that women celebrate menstruation cycles as much in adolescence as adulthood. They also state that we need to nurture and care for our bodies as we make this transition into a spiritual transformation.

Um, not to break the author’s bubble, but…Are you frickin’ kidding me????

I have weird moles shining like freckles on parts of my body no one sees anymore. Remember when I was an athlete and flexible? Consider those days a thing of the past because I’m not as bendy as I used to be. My hips are so stiff and tight that I need more oil than the Tin Man stuck in Oz. Like, why bother trying to sit? My legs just fling out in front of me like the hips of a spring-loaded Barbie doll. Crap, getting out of bed is a four-hour process.

And should we talk about the hair?

Not only am I losing hair on my head, but apparently in this new age of enlightenment of menopause, the hair leaves the head and reattaches to the upper lip, nose, and ears. Yea, that’s right, I have to pluck very sensitive areas that make my eyes water and my nose run. Then the snot drips down over my swollen, raw lip and no one cares.

Too often I cut the inside of my nose with tiny scissors while the too long nose hairs unravel and shoot out like one of those helium air dudes in a used car lot. And seriously, why is my belly bloating while typing this? I drink nutrition shakes!

This whole menopause, or pre thereof, must be yet another conspiracy against women. How much more should we endure?

For those of you experiencing this hair losing, gut building, and stiff joint moving, menopausal event of righteousness, just remember…when we’re old, we can trip young people with our canes and laugh out our dentures as they face-plant on the sidewalk. Maybe menopause is a dawning of enlightenment.