EVOLUTION

Several months ago, all my computer files hooked up with Jack and they followed him up the gnarly bean stalk in the cloudy sky, never to return again. When that happened, I took it as a sign from a greater power that forced me to come face to face with something I refused to do–change.

It was a confusing time. I mean, what the hell was I supposed to change when the last ten years of my life had circled around writing prose? I was lost and scared and honestly, super sad that all of a sudden, I had no purpose in life and no clue how to start over.

A personal analysis was in order. And in that, I needed to redefine who I was from the most basic level. I needed to expose my naked truth by snuggling with my demons. Together, we enjoyed some Earl Grey and crumpets, had long middle of the night chats, and in the end, I learned to love myself for who I am, not who they wanted me to be. (That’s a Tolstoy reference if anyone cares.)

Slowly, the puzzle pieces started to take form and fit into a larger picture I hadn’t seen before.

Call it coincidence, though I do not, a spam email crossed my broken computer. A sign. And suddenly, those lost files redirected what I thought was my purposeand thrust me into an unknown realm—self-acceptance.

In understanding self, I came to realize that mean people suck. You know who they are; those few rotting apples who yank the happiness and joy out of everything and fill the sticky barrel with hate and bacteria, which in turn, quickly decays the good fruit into the same grotesque mess.

Here’s a basic example. Just because a person claims to love, doesn’t mean the recipient feels it. Actions prove it. To quote the NJ Transit castaway walking up and down the train cars, “Don’t tell me you love me, show me.” (That was a wild day!)

There are the those that claim to love you, but vote for or support the people and politicians and legislation completely in contrast to the love they say they give. So, as I transform, I’m acknowledging that toxic people are no longer accepted into my life. Regardless of blood and/or friendship, if I don’t feel beauty and honesty in your so-called love, then shoot your rays of hypocrisy elsewhere and quit lying to yourself and me.

Two of my favorite people left this earth two years ago. They left a crater in my heart because basically, I loved the way they loved me. They showed love with kind and encouraging words, a twinkle in their eyes when I entered their room, and I’ll never forget the energy exchanged while embraced in a warm hug.

Love isn’t as simple as words said. It’s the actions in which you show it. And frankly, I want everyone to feel that way.