KARENS

There’s something I need to get off my chest because of what was on another woman’s chest at the grocery store yesterday.

This already sounds like it’s going somewhere it shouldn’t, doesn’t it?

To be clear, and to take those awkward ideas that seem to be swirling in your head away, yes, I was staring at that woman’s chest. No, it was not sexual.

She wore a red zippy, unzipped, over a black t-shirt with the saying written in bold face lettering on the front…

I Wish Karen Would

This saying may or may not have taken you to where my mind went. Either way, you know I was staring a bit too long which may have made for a moment of uncomfortable tension near the lettuce varietals. But if you know me, you know I had to ask the only thought my huge, creative brain full of nonconforming and non-societal acceptable thoughts, well, thought.

Let me take a step back for a moment. I’m sure you’ve seen various different car fashion. I’m referring to window stickers, decals, and of course my favorite, vanity license plates. Maybe it’s just me, but I will go out of my way to follow a vanity plate with cryptic meaning inside those six or seven characters allotted on the plate. Joe and Gene married in ‘64. Of course, it doesn’t actually reveal all of that information. You have to be fine-tuned into the mystical world of license plate analysis to discover those hidden secrets; which, by the way, I feel I’m a professional.

I used the same method of vanity plate discovery as weird t-shirt assessment. In those few seconds of scrutinizing her shirt, I contemplated its meaning and came up short. If this woman’s shirt were a vanity plate, I would have gone ten miles out of my way to figure out what the heck she was trying to tell the world.  

First, my brain went to the many Karen videos. You know those ladies. They yell and swear, act ridiculous in public, and usually are demeaning someone all while priding themselves on their ability to speak their mind despite their curving effects on others.

Okay, that box was checked. What else do I know about Karens and why was this woman wearing this shirt? More contemplation was surely in order and it had to be done in that awkward few moments of staring at the woman’s chest.

She noticed me looking. I couldn’t hide my wonder any longer. Finally, I asked.

You wish Karen would what?

Yes. She looked at me like I was crazy, then opened her zippy more so I could read the whole saying. But I already read the shirt. There was nothing more to read. Again, I said, “I don’t get it. What do you want Karen to do?”

Her eyes, because we were wearing masks, clearly told me to shut up and mind my own business, but her shirt didn’t have closure. She stated as she struggled with the plastic bag in the produce section, “It’s to point out racism.”

Then why the hell didn’t the shirt say that?!? Finish the thought, Anti-Karen! Just finish the damn statement. I Wish Karen Would…End Racism. Say what you mean, Lady.

If it makes anyone feel better, I resisted the urge to respond. Instead, I walked away and spent the rest of the evening without closure. At least I purchased a fifth of whiskey on the way out.