SHE’S GOT LEGS!!

Here in the Midwest, a lot of us women joke about not shaving our legs in the winter months. This is the time of year when leg hair is considered an additional layer of insulation.

You see, October is a sad climatic turning point for us northerners. We were just swimming in our pools over Labor Day, then bam, a short few weeks later, we’re closing our pools and wearing jeans and sweatshirts every day. So, lack of shaving our legs is not only a way in which to keep our legs warm, but it’s partially a rebellion against the cold months coming up. Screw you, Mr. Winter—with fists shaking in rage at the gray, cloudy sky.

I feel like I need to add a quick side note here…I’ve met a few men that shave both their legs and armpits. And before you get all judgy about them being less manly, I can assure you, these same men are hardcore alphas and are not wimpy in any way. Plus, smooth armpits are far more attractive than deodorant dingleberries spawning off and tangling in clumps of armpit hair (in my opinion).

Did I digress again?

Anyway, not all of you may understand this non-shaving in winter mentality, due to either personal hygiene issues—you know who you are—or geographical location. Maybe you used to live in the northern cold plains and moved to the warmer south and have forgotten what it’s like to save big bucks on razors in winter. Seriously, those thin little strips of sharp metal are expensive.

I shaved for the first time yesterday since well before Halloween only because after my exercising (people over 40 don’t work out, we exercise), I went outside to cool down and realized my leg hair was blowing in the cool breeze. It was so long (how long was it?) It was so long that just rinsing the razor in a thin stream of water did nothing. After two months without a straight razor, I pulled the long leg hair out from in between the razor blades by sliding my thumb down the edge, with the grade, then rinse, and repeat with every shaving strip.

Listen, I have a few advantages with my lack of shaving in cold months. You see, when you’ve been with your life partner for a long time, shaving is no longer considered important before doing…you know…the deed of love. No one cares about body hair. It’s not like you’re on your third date and it’s time to shave to make a good impression. Nope. We’re all just happy to burn some calories, even if it looks like two sasquatches dancing the mambo behind closed doors.

And don’t even get me started on the pedicure situation. Those of us who wear glasses, never see how long our toe nails are getting until they poke holes through our socks.